Pain is impossible to empathize.
It looks through its own glasses.
It causes jealousy because others
Have paid less and absolutely it
Demands credit to the bearer
Who forced it to fall.
© Yelling Rosa
Because there are differences of opinions about the size of pain, the sufferer doesn't get sympathy and a winner is left without credit. Actually, it's a miracle that I have gotten along this well with my broken memory and smashed brains. And this helps me more to know that there will be no understanding from others because they don't know what I have gone through like I don't know their pain. Bigger or less, make no difference, I can only row my boat with my own oars on the common lake. It's a totally other game which I don't take part in here. If my boat is rocked by others, there's very little I can do about.
When I was ten years old I was at the secondary school admission test. At this time pupils were supposed to know how to write from dictation. I dropped out during the first sentence because my short time memory has been always weak. When the second sentence started my game was over. The participants were forced to be at present till the school bell rang. I came home after the admission like I were sold my country. My parents were at work and I knew that I had to be alone a couple of hours. It didn't help me. For some reason, I went to the medicine cabinet and looked at the small bottles, at the time there weren't nothing but glass packages for drugs. I got goose-flesh when I saw one particular bottle in my hand.
My best friend has said a couple of months ago that the bottle content sleeping pills and if someone took all of them he would kick off. I don't remember how I felt, was I afraid or sad, but in any event I swallowed the whole content. Quite fast afterwards I started to feel dizzy, fever and my stomach was sick. Not many times anyone can say that they are relieved while vomiting but I did. I just forgot what was coming up, or I thought was coming. After being for some time in the other world, I realized that I am not going to die and in the mirror, I saw like a fellow with heavy fever and head cold. My eyes were reddish from intense coughing, blowing the nose and vomiting. I was disappointed with being alive, but happy because I could say to my mother that I have got cold and the symptoms will back me up.
Since starting elementary school, I had been trouble with the reading and writing. In the fourth grade I started keeping up with other pupils. Perhaps that's why I was so shocked to fail at admission test. I was depressed the whole summer, but I believe that nobody noticed it because I was a lot on my own, anything new in my case. At the end of the summer I went again to the test. This time the participants didn't have to write from dictation. I passed the test and started my secondary school on the first of September.
My troubles with memorizing things have not stopped. I am still pushing things in my mind, but I have invented tricks which help me. Now, when I am getting old, I have been very worried about if my long time memory gets bad. I have survived with its help. Many may wonder why I am studying so many language with my background, but somehow I learn one thing better by feeding it with other things. Perhaps the thing is nothing else than repeating the learning stuff, but I like it this way. Anyway, I have drawn the conclusion it’s better for me to concentrate on fewer subjects for now on.
Because writing in English causes me a lot of stress I have decided to concentrate more on Finnish. I see that I have to continue here because anyone here shows the lightest intention to favor my Finnish blog at https://yrosa.wordpress.com/ but you will pay the price. I won’t check up every sentence I’ll publish here but concentrate only on the orthography of my poems. On the other it is a line drawn in the water when the English is the question. This time I made some spell check but not much.
I close the comments here this time because I am not begging for sympathy or pity. I have written this to myself. Now when my shortage is not private knowledge, I hope that I feel myself free. I have confessed that I can’t ever come a brilliant prosaist because I lack the resources. Short poems are available mostly in Finnish but also a bit in English because I see them before my eyes all the time written on the paper for example. This doesn’t happen with the large memorizing quantities. I hope that this confession helps me to get better sleep.
Of course it is funny to click the like button when someone is lacking something which normally is at present 100 pro cent, but you can like this article if you have liked my poems and because I have been able to write them and perhaps because you hope that I can still write them. The only thing I wish is that you could visit my Finnish blog at least once.